The Lovely Loveless Marriage
by Nin
Summary: Xelfi fic (aka X/F). Chapter Three: In which the marriage actually takes place and Nin somehow managed to make fun of Lina without being utterly destroyed. (Nin stares blankly at the audience)
1. X-ello the Grape Fruity Flavoured Gelati...

The Lovely Loveless Marriage  
  
by  
  
Nin Tendo  
  
  
  
Prologue:  
  
X-ello the Grape Fruity Flavoured Gelatin After School Snack  
  
OR  
  
Xellos Asks Zelas a Funky Question and the Monster Race is Scarred for Eternity  
  
  
  
~ Disclaimer ~ I don't own Slayers, and (looks at title A) I don't own J- ello either. n.n Or the radio dude for that matter! (sees a pack of blood- thirsty lawyers advancing) Um...would you like some X-ello? (gets mauled) BWAH!  
  
Warnings:  
  
1. I'm missing a few tapes of Next and Try (two tapes of each, actually), so please correct me if I make ANY mistakes (ESPECIALLY spelling errors...my spellcheck program is busted. ;_;). I will be very grateful! (Though I seem to be doing a semi-okay job, considering that there were no complaints about my other Slayers ficcie.)  
  
2. Although it will not seem that way for quite a while, this is most definitely a Xelfi fanfiction series (aka X/F). It's also possible that I'll add in L/G and Z/A, but try not to get your hopes too high, since I'm currently trying to figure out a role for all the characters to play in the fic, all romance aside. (sweatdrop) Any ideas will be appreciated!  
  
3. The fic starts off a little dark (eensy weency...ok, fine, FULL BLOWN DARKISHNESS!), but dissolves into humor near the end of the prologue. The humor will rule the fic for...say...ten or so chapters, then the lightheartedness will be abruptly cut off to make room for the DRAMA! (Drama is gooooooooood... n_n) However, the commercials and titles will ALWAYS be humorous, acting as comedy relief.  
  
4. I'm one of those people who use the dub language. ex) 'monster' race. I do this because newbies generally won't know what the 'mazoku' race is, ect, so please don't be offended by the termanology. n_n (And that includes no Japanese whatsoever...tell me if I accidently add in some Japanese. (sweatdrop)  
  
Well, now that I've weeded out all the people who may be affended by the following... (with a huge lisp) ON WITH THE SHOW!  
  
=========================  
  
(Xellos' point of view)!!!  
  
Finally, after over one thousand years, the dark lord Shabranigdo has been resurrected.  
  
It was currently mid-day, but the sky had gone black, and the sun, moon, and stars were blood red, no longer competing to be seen.  
  
I am standing before a town. Fire danced upon the rooftops like a live thing feasting upon the destruction of hopes and dreams, and the villagers fled in panicked terror. Incompetent humans-you may escape the flames but Lord Shabranigdo will consume you all.  
  
I felt giddy just by watching all this, and I could barely resist the urge to close my fingers around a human throat, so I did. It was beautiful, so beautiful. All the emotions-what a variety! I shook in sheer pleasure as a child turned to the east looking for her mother,and, instead, saw my master in the distance.  
  
Throwing the corpse to the side, I, too, turned to the east, where the last remnants of opposition clashed against my master. The battlefield was littered with the bodies of humans and dragons-blood soaked the ground for miles.  
  
There, near the center, stood my favorite band of do-gooders: Lina, Gourry, Amelia, Zelgadiss, and not to mention Filia, the last remaining member of her clan, though, looking at all the bodies, she could very well be the last remaining golden dragon altogether. I noticed the bodies of two beastmen behind her.  
  
Lord Shabranigdo was playing with them. Smirking in interest, I teleported over for a better view.  
  
Lina began with a Ragna Blade, which did little more than tickle my master. His booming laughter filled the land, and I could not help but laugh along with him. Imagine-a Ragna Blade harming Lord Shabranigdo! Lina, Lina, Lina. Don't you remember that the spell failed to dispose of the Demon Dragon King? Surely you don't think that Gaav was more powerful than Shabranigdo!  
  
Swept aside by a single swipe of the dark lord's hand, Lina crashed against a cliffside and fell limp. Her blood stained the already blood-stained rocks.  
  
Gourry cried out, "LINA!" and attacked fiercely, and in vain. Again, laughter boomed, and thousands of black tendrils of energy coiled around him, tearing his body to shreds.  
  
Amelia, who had been in the process of casting a spell, screamed in mortification as two of her best friends were killed within moments of each other. Terror overcame her young mind, and panicking, she turned to flee.  
  
Well, that was one way to get Lord Shabranigdo's attention, I thought, grinning in anticipation.  
  
Zelgadiss must have noticed that, too. "AMELIA!" he shouted, running toward her, casting a ray wing even as he sprinted.  
  
The two were a fraction of an inch apart when Lord Shabranigdo's spell overcame them. Zelgadiss' shield collapsed faster than a paper bag beneath a foot, and they both simply ceased to exist.  
  
Only Filia remained, her back to me. After a few moments of watching her, I wondered why she didn't move. Why didn't she attack? Her holy magic stood a small chance against my master, so why was she just standing there like a statue?  
  
Abruptly, she spun around to stare me straight in the eye, and I noticed that she was holding a baby dragon in her arms. Ah, so the reborn Valgaav has finally hatched, has he?  
  
"You," she said, in venom.  
  
I held my hand over the place my heart should have been (if I'd been borne human, anyway) in mock pain. "Oh, Filia!" I exclaimed. "That really hurts! I thought we were friends!" I opened my eyes and smirked as my hand returned to my side.  
  
She shook, but somehow, her temper was held in check. "You," she repeated. "Don't you realize what you've done?"  
  
I bowed my head with a chuckle. When Valgaav began to make pitiful squeaking noises, I looked back up and mocked, "What I've done, Filia? Oh, of course! You mean resurrecting the five remaining pieces of Lord Shabranigdo and fusing them back together, don't you? Yes, Filia, I realize what I've done. My master will return this world to chaos, just as the Lord of Nightmares desires."  
  
Filia held Valgaav closer and just stared at me, shaking her head. "No, Xellos," she whispered. "No. Shabranigdo isn't carrying out the wishes of the mother of all things--he is here to destroy, destroy, destroy."  
  
"It's the same thing," I retorted, and Lord Shabranigdo captured her in massive fist. She only stared at me with an odd look on her face as my master crushed her and her adopted son in the same instant, not even attempting to fight back.  
  
I watched her remains fall to the earth with a bittersweet smile. The last of the golden dragons, my biggest enemy, was dead.  
  
But, how I would miss that temper. A single snarl would satisfy me for days--now there will be no more easy meals. Well, once all the humans were dead, anyway.  
  
Then something came at me and I barely managed to escape with my life. Teleporting to what I thought was a safe distance away, I fell to my knees, and saw only black, swirling energy where my arm and torso used to be.  
  
I turned just in time to see Lord Shabranigdo crush my staff beneath his foot.  
  
And, powerless, unable to even summon the strength to teleport away, I watched as the jaws decended, madness and bloodlust gleaming in his eyes, and I could only protest with a single "but..." before my life, screaming, was torn from my body and consumed by the one I thought I served.  
  
And then I woke up. Well, more like snapped out of it, since it was a vision, not a dream. Everyone knows that monsters don't dream (or even sleep, for that matter).  
  
-----------------------------------  
  
BEGIN COMMERCIAL BREAK  
  
(Scene: An ordinary looking kitchen, except for the fact that the Lord of Nightmares is sitting at the table...)  
  
LoN: When I go shopping, I have to find the perfect after school snack for my little children. It can't just be any snack, either. It must be fun, tasty, and full of lovely vitamins so my babies may eat it and stay healthy. I had a hard time finding this perfect snack, but then...  
  
(A mini Shabranigdo enters)  
  
Lil Shabby: Momma! Where's my X-ello?!  
  
(The Lord of Nightmares opens a little container and a little Xellos figured piece of purple gelatin runs around the room, shrieking. Lil Shabby gives chase, giggling)  
  
LoN: Then I found X-ello, the grape fruity flavoured after school snack, and all my problems were solved!  
  
(Lil Shabby attacks X-ello with a spoon, removing its arm and a portion of its torso, and eating it.)  
  
Lil Shabby: Mmm!!! X-ello rocks!  
  
(He lunges at the remaining X-ello head first, swallowing it whole.)  
  
Lil Shabby: Can I have another one, Momma?!  
  
LoN: (giggles) Oh, you're so silly, Lil Shabby!  
  
(Corny music plays as the scene fades into a pic of a X-ello container)  
  
Anonymous Little Children: Ex Ee El El OH!  
  
(Scene darkens. Radio Dude enters darkened scene)  
  
Radio Dude: And now you know...what possessed Nin Tendo when she thought up the title.  
  
END COMMERCIAL BREAK  
  
---------------------------------  
  
The first thing that Greater Beast Zelas Metallium noticed about her priest was that he didn't have the normal self-satisfied look on his face. Moments later, she realized that his color appeared a notch paler than usual, and his gaze seemed a tad concerned.  
  
When he kneeled before her, Zelas announced, "Stand, Xellos, and explain that suffering look on your face. Did Lina Inverse exile you from her little traveling group again?"  
  
A small smile of gratitude appeared on his face in response to the little joke. "No, Lord Beastmaster, it has nothing to do with Lina or her companions..." The smile faded. "But, it has everything to do with...destiny."  
  
Zelas' eyebrows rose. "'Destiny', Xellos?" she asked, wondering when Xellos' reports had disolved into fantasy adventure stock dialogue.  
  
Xellos nodded, gravely. "Yes...destiny. Particularily...the destiny of the monster race."  
  
"Hmm," Zelas brooded. "Just what are you trying to get at?"  
  
"I have a question, Lord Beastmaster."  
  
"Shoot," she replied, starting to get frustrated.  
  
"What will the resurrection of Lord Shabranigdo accomplish?" he asked, hesistantly.  
  
A frown appeared on Zelas' face. "Why, Xellos, how could you forget something that I'd personally drilled into your mind when you were a mere child?"  
  
Xellos began to sweat. "No--I didn't mean it like that, Lord Beastmaster-- I know that Lord Shabranigdo's resurrection would mean another step toward the resoration of ultimate chaos. But...what if he doesn't stop there? What if he destroys the astral plane along with this world? If his power corrupts him, he could become just like Darkstar. If that happens, all of us will die. Is that our destiny, Lord Beastmaster?"  
  
Zelas and Xellos stared at each other for a long moment.  
  
Finally, Zelas cleared her throat and asked, "Just where did you come up with such an idea, Xellos?"  
  
"I...had a vision just a few moments ago. I had resurrected Lord Shabranigdo, and he was destroying everyone and everything, but then...he turned on me." He deliberately left out Filia's role in the vision. After all, he was a monster, and she, a dragon. Would he ever admit that she was right and he was wrong? Not over his dead body.  
  
Another silence seized the room.  
  
With a wave of her hand, Zelas announced, "You are dismissed, Xellos, but I will think about this little revelation of yours. Visions don't occur very often, especially in the monster race, and they are not to be taken lightly. In the meantime, however, keep travelling with Lina. Whether this is truly a vision or simply a ruse created by our enemies, they'll most likely have a role in it, if they don't already, as always." Especially since they were being manipulated half the time, she added mentally. No, wait, scratch that--they were being manipulated ALL the time, which is exactly why I always assign Xellos to them--he being a master of deception. Hehe. Puppets.  
  
When Xellos saw the self-satisfied look on his mistress' face, he took it as a sign to leave. After all, no one could snap her out of her personal thoughts until they'd run their course. With a small smile, he teleported back to his previous location (and realized his error when the first thing he saw were the astonished faces of Lina, Gourry, Amelia, and Zelgadiss, who had witnessed him spacing out in the middle of a sentence, only to fade out a few minutes later. The usual conversation of "What the hell just happened to you?!" and "That is a secret!" resulted in the complete and utter annihilation of the restaurant that they'd been dining in. However, since no animals were harmed in this destruction, it's all well and good.)  
  
However, standing in the back of Zelas' throneroom, in the darkest corner, stood an extremely low-class and cowardly monster, who went by the name "Chicken" (his real name had been lost in the sea of time, and even "Chicken" could not recall it). This monster was unique of all the others, as you can see--no self-respecting monster would run around screaming that Lord Shabranigdo liked monster essense on his ham and cheese pizza (whatever 'ham and cheese pizza' was, anway).  
  
Needless to say, the revolt began with the little people. When they went on strike (it was right there in the monster union's handbook 'Monsters have the right to deny any mission that endangers their lives'), the higher- ups decided to simply drop the Ressurection Project, since the dirty work would sully their hands if they, LoN forbid, did it themselves (of course, that's what they SAID. We ALL know that their sense of self-preservation had befallen them).  
  
And so is the fact that Xellos ended up scarring the monster race for eternity (even though he didn't realize it at the time).  
  
  
  
Author's Notes:  
  
1. Just to make it clear: I absolutely love all the characters in Slayers. Any bashing is lighthearted and not to be taken seriously. (I say this because character-hating makes me EXTREMELY angry!)  
  
2. Flames are just as welcome as praise, comments, and criticism, although I would prefer that you send flames to: nin_tendo15@hotmail.com because I'm the only one that should read them--not my friends or any people reading my reviews. (I won't reply unless you want me to)  
  
3. Chapter 1 will be out soon--I've written it, I just need to type it up (and revise it as I go along!) n_n 


	2. The Day Hell Froze Over/The Day Hell Fin...

The Lovely Loveless Marriage  
  
by  
  
Nin Tendo  
  
Chapter 1:  
  
The Day Hell Froze Over  
  
OR  
  
The Day Hell Finally Thawed  
  
  
  
~ Disclaimer ~ Maybe if I was actually Japanese, I could have a better chance of inheriting Slayers (hmm...)  
  
  
  
(An unmeasureable time after the 'nightmare' incident...)  
  
What I wouldn't give for a single cloud in the sky, Zelas thought, sighing, slightly depressed. It's much too bright and cheery for my tastes. Damn, but this sucks eggs.  
  
The reasons why Zelas didn't simply use a spell to call forth a storm were these:  
  
1. Gathered in the field were an assorted bunch of creatures,  
  
2. They all happened to be mortal enemies (and very paranoid at the moment, might I add),  
  
3. They were all enjoying a nice cup of tea, and  
  
4. They were seated in no man's land.  
  
Therefore, if she called forth a storm, at least two of the others would be displeased (she wasn't entirely certain if the third would object or not), causing an argument to arise, which would ruin the lovely tea as well as start a battle in which she had no advantages.  
  
Sitting in on the meeting were four people, three of which were monsters in nature, the fourth just happening to be the newly elected Supreme Elder of the Fire Dragon King's Temple (how they'd managed to raise the population from zero to hundreds in such a short time, Zelas had no idea).  
  
The other two monsters were, of course, Deep Sea Dolphin and Dynast Grausherra. Ever since her early childhood, Zelas had hated Deep Sea with a passion (she couldn't actually remember WHY, which is somewhat understandable, since most childhood grudges escalate quickly, and memories of the early years are quickly forgotten). But Dynast...well...she'd never really gotten to know Dynast. In fact, he always seemed to go out of his way to isolate himself from everyone. Zelas didn't really have any really significant memories of him (Well...other than the time she'd called him a loner, and he'd turned her into a popsicle for a week), and, therefore, couldn't really figure out if he was a friend or foe (He never called, but he never sieged Wolf Pack Island, either).  
  
Sighing again, Zelas turned toward the Supreme Elder and said, "So, tell us your proposition. I want to get back to my cold, dank cave as soon as possible. I think my lungs are losing their coat of tar." She made a disgusted face. (Though, you probably should remember that, since monsters don't HAVE lungs, it really wasn't possible to HAVE a coat of tar. But, then, this is, of course, Zelas Metallium. She probably got pleasure by simply PRETENDING that she had lungs coated with tar. But, then, if you value your life, you really wouldn't disagree with her, anyway).  
  
The new Supreme Elder, a middle aged-looking blond, blue-eyed woman who was actually a Golden Dragon named Sandra Ta Nefar, replied, "I have heard rumors that you're discontinuing your plans to resurrect your Dark Lord, Shabranigdo. I would like you to clarify that before we move on."  
  
Seeing that neither the brooding Dynast or the spaced-out Deep Sea were inclined to answer, Zelas answered, "Yes, that rumor just happens to be true."  
  
Sandra smiled. "Well, then. If that is true, then I see no reason for continuing our plans to restore Lord Ceiphied."  
  
None of the Dark Lords had been expecting this. Dolphin choked on her tea, Zelas nearly fell out of her chair, and Dynast's eyes widened (for just a second. Then he realized what he just did and returned to his former state, looking both ways to see if anyone had noticed. Making a scene like that was very embarrassing).  
  
After a full minute of silence, Zelas glared at her silent siblings, and asked, suspiciously, "Why have you decided this all of a sudden?"  
  
Sandra stood, looking the very definition of diplomatic. "The reason I requested a meeting with you all was so we could discuss a truce. Our subborn rivalry has continued throughout the ages, neither of us winning or losing, and we've merely succeeded in destroying the place we all call home, bit by bit. I'm unsure about the plane in which your people reside, but wouldn't it be wise to consider, that, if we accidently ended up destroying this world, that the astral plane would vanish as well, since all planes are interconnected? If the Lord of Nightmares had wanted everything destroyed, she wouldn't have created us in the first place."  
  
"A truce..." Dynast murmered, deep in thought. "If we were to simply agree to disagree, if the monster race were to only create enough destruction to survive, if the dragon race were to restore that which we destroy, we could create a...balanced chaos. Yes, I suppose I could agree to that."  
  
Is that the will of the Lord of Nightmares? Zelas mused.  
  
Deep Sea giggled, nodding. "Good and evil united in peace for all eternity. How beautiful!"  
  
Zelas grimaced and stared at Deep Sea, thoroughly disgusted. A few days after they'd all split up to cause destruction separately, she'd sent her 'sister' a little token--a manifestation of everything good in the world. The strange thing was, instead of causing her an untold amount of pain, it had warped her mentality to the point where she began to actually ENJOY good things.  
  
To call a monster a masochist because he or she enjoyed pain was completely inaccurate. It's the monster that enjoys good things that makes the TRUE masochist (in the monster's unique viewpoint, anyhow).  
  
"Are we all in agreement?" Sandra asked, eyes on Zelas.  
  
Beastmaster nodded in confirmation.  
  
"Well, that was surprisingly easy!" Sandra exclaimed. "I thought some of you would need more persuasion before commiting, but now I see that is not the case! I was thinking that we could divide the world into parts so we wouldn't interefere with each others plans, then alternate our posts every month or so. How does that sound?"  
  
Deep Sea gave two thumbs up, Dynast nodded, and Zelas shrugged nonchalantly.  
  
Sandra clasped her hands together and smiled. "Oh, I'm so glad that we could put all of our differences aside and agree on something like mature adults!"  
  
This, of course, caused the egos of everyone present to swell like balloons.  
  
Suddenly, the smile on Sandra's face lowered slightly in intensity, and she said, somewhat hesitantly, "Now, if only we could come up with a way to...seal the deal so none of us will ever feel...tempted to...change our minds..."  
  
"Well, now!" Dolphin chirped (Her sudden exclaimation distracted the other two monsters, so they didn't uncover the...veiled insult of Sandra's). "That has an EASY solution! What better way to celebrate the union of good and evil than holy matrimony?"  
  
Zelas delicatly hid her gagging behind a napkin.  
  
All was silent, but then Dynast (who didn't realize that he was twitching slightly) mumbled, "Well...I've always wanted a dragon for a playtoy..." (Now he knew why they always said to be careful what you wish for. Damn Fate's sense of ironic humor...damn it all to hell...)  
  
"I've always wanted to get married," Dolphin joined in with a chronic giggle.  
  
"It's a wonderful idea!" Sandra exclaimed, turning to Zelas. "What do you think, Beastmaster?"  
  
Wiping imaginary bile from her lips, Zelas cleared her throat and said, with growing confidence, "I'm afraid that I cannot...offer myself to the...task. My overpowering sense of irony forbids me to even consider it."  
  
Dolphin rolled her eyes and drawled, "Just what does your 'overpowering sense of irony' WANT you to do?"  
  
Zelas frowned at her hated rival as a low growl rose in her throat. She'd done her best to be civil, but that single comment had nearly sent her into a frenzy.  
  
Barely able to hold her tongue back from starting an argument of a...slightly lesser subtility, Zelas replied, "Well, I hardly see how it is any of YOUR business, but a certain servant of mine is THE most hated monster among the Golden Dragons. I would just love to offer him up in my place."  
  
Sandra twitched. "X-Xellos?! The one who nearly wiped out an entire clan of dragons singlehandedly?!" She sighed. "Yes, that would be very ironic indeed..."  
  
"But wait!" Zelas exclaimed. "There's more! I know of an excellent candidate for my dear Xellos' wife. She's the last remaining Golden Dragon of her clan, they've met before, and they hate each other with a passion that makes even the War of the Monster's Fall pale in comparison!"  
  
The other three leaned forward in morbid anticipation.  
  
"Her name is..." Zelas concluded, pausing dramatically,  
  
"...Filia Ul Copt!" (oooh, I didn't see THAT one coming! n_n)  
  
  
  
~ BEGIN COMMERCIAL BREAK ~  
  
(Opening Scene: A shop containing many shiny, beautiful, life sized crystals, large and small. The Lord of Nightmares enters)  
  
LoN: Why, hello and good day to you all! Surely you've heard of the unfortunate *cough*not*cough* death of Hellmaster Phibrizzo *cough*thelittlepunkdeservedit*cough*. Oh, I must be catching a cold...  
  
(She clears her throat)  
  
LoN: Well, now that Hellmaster is gone, I am currently hiring people to help me out with the workload. If you would come by and but one of these lovely life-crystals, you, too, can enjoy the pleasures of having a dead body in your own living room! You will also be paid 50 silvers a month!  
  
(She gestures toward two types of crystals)  
  
LoN: You may either buy an authentic life-crystal, or one of these lower- grade, yet still acceptable ice-crystals. The both fulfill the same purpose, even though the ice-crystal's price is but a fraction of the life- crystals'! So, come buy and buy a crystal today! Dead bodies are installed completely free of charge!  
  
(She smiles)  
  
LoN: Iwillnotbeheldresponsiblefortheinevitablemeltingoftheicecrystals. Have a lovely day!  
  
(Scene dissolves into a shot of a...beach? Radio Dude enters)  
  
Radio Dude: And now you know...  
  
(The Lord of Nightmares appears)  
  
LoN: Damn, but you're annoying!  
  
(The Lord of Nightmares tosses Radio Dude into the Sea of Chaos. Because that's what the sea was. The Sea of Chaos. Funny how that works out)  
  
Radio Dude: ...What possessed Nin Tendo when she thought up the titlllllllleeeeee....  
  
LoN: Heh.  
  
(She peers at the readers)  
  
LoN: ...What?  
  
~ END COMMERCIAL BREAK ~  
  
  
  
Filia Ul Copt looked around her small shop, sighing at the absence of customers. Not one person had stepped inside for three entire days. (It was strange how her store's popularity had dwindled ever since it stopped appearing on television) In fact, her last customer, a very odd man, had only browsed, asking her if she had any of the latest bestsellers....  
  
  
  
~ BEGIN FLASHBACK ~  
  
"Excuse me, miss, but do you have any of the lastest bestsellers?"  
  
"I'm sorry, sir, but we only sell weapons and pottery here."  
  
"Oh." (pause) "So, where do you keep your bestsellers?"  
  
"I don't have any books in my inventory, sir. Could I interest you in a lovely vase instead?"  
  
"No, that's quite alright. I would, however, like the latest bestseller, if you have it."  
  
"Sir, I have only pottery and weapons in my store. There are no bestsellers here."  
  
"Is that so? Well, I guess I'll just browse for a while." (He browses for a while) "You wouldn't have anything by Stephen King, would you?"  
  
"AUGH! LASER BREATH!"  
  
(Note from Nin: Mwahahah...the above scene was stolen from the film, "Notting Hill". It's a good movie. NOW GO SEE IT SO I WON'T GET SUED! Thank you. n_n)  
  
~ END FLASHBACK ~  
  
Well, the result of THAT temper tantrum had sent her ever closer to bankruptcy. If business didn't pick up soon, she'd be forced to sell the shop and live on the street!  
  
Someone passed by her shop just then. The lady looked like she was about to enter...until she saw the needy/bloodthirsty look on Filia's face. Then she ran away.  
  
Filia sighed in torment. How in Ceiphied's name was she going to properly raise baby Val without a steady income?!  
  
But, just then, the door opened and a beautiful, blond middle-aged woman entered the shop.  
  
Filia gasped as she recognized the magical signature surrounding the woman-- a Golden Dragon!  
  
"What a lovely shop you have here," she greeted. "It's such a shame that it doesn't seem to be very popular."  
  
"Who are you and what do you want with me?" Filia demanded, feeling apprehensive. After all, she DID abandon her role as a priestess with absolutely no notice--what if she was here to punish her or whatnot?  
  
The lady chuckled at the look on Filia's face. "Oh, no need to be wary of ME, dear. Are you Filia Ul Copt?"  
  
Filia relaxed considerably when she saw the woman's smile. "Yes, I am," she replied.  
  
Smile widening, the woman replied, "And I am the newly elected Supreme Elder of the temple you used to serve, but you may call me Sandra Ta Nefar. I would like to speak with you."  
  
"Well, I suppose that speaking to each other won't do any harm, will it?" Filia replied, anger and grief of a lesser sort filling her being as she remembered how her father figure, the last Supreme Elder, had lied and betrayed her. She told herself to be suspicious of this woman before trusting her absolutely, like she had the previous clan leader.  
  
Leading Sandra into the back room, Filia directed a relaxing Gravos to keep an eye on the store, then led Sandra to the table, quickly wipping up a pot of tea.  
  
"I was wondering," Sandra began, when Filia sat down, pouring the tea, "if you would consider rejoining us at the Temple of the Fire Dragon King."  
  
Without missing a beat, Filia replied, placing the tea pot on the table, "I'm sorry, but I've sworn to never return to that temple, Miss Sandra. In fact, I will never join any community of Golden Dragons--their sins during the War of the Monster's Fall are faults I find unacceptable."  
  
"I guessed that you would respond along those lines," Sandra said, smiling, "but I have to insist--I actually have some information about this which may persuade you otherwise."  
  
Filia nodded, giving the go-ahead.  
  
"Before the War of the Monster's Fall, all the dragons in this world communicated regularily, you see. We all peacefully coexisted back then, but then the war started and tensions arose quickly and in every way possible.  
  
"Us Golden Dragons immediately saw the monster race as our enemy, along with all the other dragon clans...except for the Ancients. In fact, they wanted absolutely nothing to do with the war. Paranoia ruled the council at this time, and they began to see the Ancients as a threat--they had a dangerous weapon in their care, and their blatent refusal to fight against the monster race gave rise to horrible, terrible questions among us. Were they planning to ally themselves with the monsters when we least expected? It was strictly paranoia that drove the council to order their destruction.  
  
"However, a small faction of Golds disagreed with that order. They didn't believe that commiting genocide against their own race would be the godly thing to do. Instead, they went into hiding, knowing full well that their small force would be utterly destroyed if they went public with their ideas.  
  
"On that note, I might as well admit that Beastmaster's priest's attack could be considered somewhat of a blessing--all the missing dragon were assumed to have been incinerated by his power. I know beyond a doubt that is the only reason that they've managed to survive this long--if the council had suspected anything, I probably wouldn't be speaking to you right now," Sandra concluded.  
  
Filia could only stare at the middle-aged woman for a while before she managed to swallow against her dry throat and ask, "So what you're saying is...?"  
  
Sandra nodded. "I was the leader of that faction. When I heard of the tragedy that befell your clan, we moved into the empty temple, hoping that we may be able to take a stand and set the world straight. Over the last few months, we've been convicing all the other dragon clans to support us. So far, we've been succeeding admirably."  
  
"You're trying to set the world straight?" Filia asked, curious.  
  
"Yes," Sandra confirmed. "The past, our past, has seen much too many conflicts and wars. It's about time that all the fighting was put to an end, don't you think?"  
  
Filia thought back to all the fighting she'd witnessed while traveling with Lina's group, the grief that drove Valgaav to end all things...in the end, all fighting did was destroy everything.  
  
"Yes, you're absolutely correct, Miss Sandra," Filia finally answered.  
  
"I knew that you would understand," Sandra replied, happily. But then nervousness entered her voice. "Though, I'm not entirely sure what you'll think of the truce we've made with the monster race..."  
  
Filia's eyes widened and she exclaimed, "Whaaaaat?!" Then she stopped to think about it after her initial reaction. "Actually, that makes a lot of sense!"  
  
Sandra facefaulted, surpised by the younger dragon's polar opposite reactions. Then she sweatdropped from her position on the floor, as Filia failed to notice that her guest had fallen from her chair.  
  
"Yes..." Filia continued, "if we all cooperated, then there would be no reason for fighting, and then we could all live in peace!"  
  
Getting up from the floor and dusting herself off, Sandra said, "As I've noted before, you don't seem to be getting many customers as of late, which is strange, considering the time of day. Can I assume that your business isn't going all that well?"  
  
Filia sighed in depression. "It seems that no one is interested in vases and maces anymore."  
  
"I would like to ask you once more to join my clan, if not the holy order. You must be very lonely here--the only adult dragon in miles. I assure you, if you rejoin the faith, your pay as a priestess would be considerable, but you may also decide on a different career. Either way, my clan is extremely enthusiastic about helping you raise young Valgaav. Like you, we wish to make up for our race's past sins."  
  
"How--how can I refuse?" Filia replied, slightly bewildered.  
  
"So you will join us?" Sandra exclaimed. "Oh, what lovely news! I must tell the others immediately." But then her voice grew hesitant. "Are you...absolutely sure about this, Filia Ul Copt?"  
  
Filia nodded enthusiastically. "Oh, yes! I would do absolutely anything to be able to join your clan! They sound absolutely wonderful!"  
  
Smirking, Sandra replied, "I'll hold you to that. If you could be at the temple within two weeks, it would be perfect--the ceremony would begin exactly on schedule."  
  
Ceremony? Filia thought. Oh, but I never would have imagined that my joining their clan would be so important to them!  
  
"I'll be there!" Filia replied.  
  
"Wonderful! Wonderful!" Sandra exclaimed. "And, please, bring along your former traveling companions as well! We've heard so much about them, especially from that young man Milgazia!"  
  
Filia sweatdropped at the thought of Lina and the gang. "Well, since you asked... I hope you'll have enough food to go around, though..."  
  
"Oh, we will! We will!" Sandra reassured before teleporting away.  
  
"JILLAS! GRAVOS!" Filia called.  
  
Gravos came back from the storefront and Jillas appeared at the top of the stairs, rocking Val's egg. "Yeah, sis?" the foxman asked.  
  
"I've decided to sell the shop," Filia announced. "We'll be moving to the Temple of the Fire Dragon King. Start packing--once I sell the shop, we're hitting the road!"  
  
Both being used to traveling and feeling extremely cramped in the little shop, neither Gravos or Jillas had any complaints.  
  
After selling the shop for several hundred thousand gold pieces to a man looking to open a bookstore, Filia, Jillas, Gravos, and the unhatched Valgaav set off for their new home.  
  
Though, Filia could not help but wonder how the ceremory who go...  
  
  
  
Author's Notes:  
  
1. (Nin attempts to hold the laughter in, but fails immensely) BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA~!!! FILIA'S SO SCREWED!!! WAHAHAHAHAHA~!  
  
2. Yes, I know that there is no television or bestsellers in the Slayers universe--I'm sorry, I just had to add them in. (Hey, why am I making excuses? This is a HUMOR story [so far]--I'm not being serious!)  
  
3. So, how did I come up with this story? Why, simply a thought as I watched the Marriage Ball episode. "Hehehe...the monsters and dragons would join forces to create a better world before Filia and Xellos got hitched." Yeah. n_n  
  
4. Oh, and I guess I should say that I really don't have anything against the Radio Dude. He just somehow became my 'Martina', you know? (Actually, he pretty much serves the same purpose as 'Anonymous Reader' in my Gundam 1/2 ficcie. Hehehe...the hell I put Anonymous Reader though...)  
  
5. Sorry I took so long to type this out--wasn't my fault! I fell in love with a puppy at PetLand and bought it! She has medical needs, not to mention that she stains the carpet. O.o Needless to say, I've been...busy. n_n I named her Cookie. She's asleep in my lap as I type this. She's so cuuute~! n.n  
  
6. Flames are just as welcome as any other review--though I'd prefer you'd bomb my inbox! (nin_tendo15@hotmail.com) 


	3. What REALLY Happened in the War of the M...

The Lovely Loveless Marriage  
  
by  
  
Nin Tendo  
  
Chapter 2:  
  
What REALLY Happened in the War of the Monster's Fall  
  
OR  
  
Xellos the Trixter Priest  
  
  
  
~Disclaimer~ If I owned Slayers, this story really WOULD be canon! (And since it's not, well...)  
  
Note: As my sister has already pointed out, this is The Chapter Lacking Purpose. Nothing actually happens in this one, other than the gathering of the Slayers. Well, actually, stuff does happen: Zelas tortures Xellos for a while, Xellos reveals his TRUE motivations in the war, and Zelgadis will never think of Amelia the same way again, but what does that have to do with anything? Well, I guess I really should defend myself, but it's true! :P Be prepared to crack up due to my sleep-deprived humor! Wahahahahaha!!! (Seriously, my sister laughed out loud, not because of the humor, but because should couldn't believe that I'd ever write something so....cheesy. n_n)  
  
------------------------------------  
  
"But, Lord Beastmaster...!" Xellos protested. Again. For the nth time.  
  
Zelas pretended to file her nails. Oh, but it was just so fun to make him squirm!  
  
After a satisfactory pause, she blew on her nails and replied, "I've given you an order, Xellos. Now all that's left is for you to fulfill it!" She offered a sinister smile and folded her hands beneath her nose. "Or would you rather be faced with the...alternative?"  
  
In a micro-millisecond, all color fled from Xellos' face. All color. Only a mop of purple hair and eyelashes hovered above his shoulders.  
  
"Oh, put your face back on!" Zelas cracked, laughing at her own lame joke.  
  
Xellos' head reappeared due to the sheer cheesiness of the punchline. Sighing in submission, he mumbled, "Oh, alright, but I still don't see the need for this."  
  
Zelas slammed her fist onto the arm of her throne--not because she was angry, but because she oh, so loved the sensation of wooden splinters driving through her palm!  
  
"Xellos," she said, after savoring the experience, "it doesn't matter what you think, you must only do my bidding."  
  
His argument resurfacing, Xellos exclaimed, "But what in the name of the Lord of Nightmares do you need Always Thin Ultra Super Flexi-Wings for?! You can't even USE them!"  
  
"DO NOT QUESTION ME!" Zelas roared, sounding very much like an oppressive dictator. She cracked up at the comparison.  
  
Xellos sighed again and turned to leave for the neighbourhood drug store.  
  
Recovering somewhat, Zelas exclaimed, "OH! I almost forgot! Xellos! Be at the Temple of the Fire Dragon King tomorrow at nine-oh-clock sharp! You don't want to be late for your own wedding!"  
  
Xellos froze in mid-step. Then he fell to pieces. Quite literally.  
  
Zelas snorted at the pile of disintegrated Xellos.  
  
"He's so friggin' melodramatic," she drawled, rolling her eyes.  
  
============================================  
  
!!!COMMERCIAL BREAK!!!  
  
(Scene: An army of black and golden dragons soaring through the sky)  
  
Goldie: Is the package secure?  
  
Blackie: Yes, sir. And we should be arriving at our destination shortly.  
  
Goldie: Ah. Excellent.  
  
(Blackie notices something purplish appear on one of the inconspicuous floating rocks up ahead)  
  
Blackie: Wait a second! What the hell is th--  
  
(A sudden explosion kills most of the dragons instantly. Only those furthest from the attack were spared. Milgasia stands.)  
  
Milgasia: (in monotone) This party died rather unexpectedly.  
  
(Xellos suddenly appears before him)  
  
Xellos: Boo!  
  
Milgasia: (in monotone) EEK.  
  
(Milgasia flees)  
  
(Xellos smirks and proceeds to rummage through the gore. Quickly finding what he was looking for, Xellos lifted up the package, a look of immense satisfaction gracing his face.)  
  
Xellos: Trix are for monsters NOW.  
  
(Xellos proceeds to cackle the way only he can)  
  
!!!END COMMERCIAL BREAK!!!  
  
(Nin: Hopefully my cousin will forgive me for borrowing his "Revenge of the Rabbit" idea)  
  
==============================================  
  
Previous to recent developments, Zelgadis Greywords had been silently and determindly stalking down the old, foliage overtaken path in search for his ever sought cure. He didn't care that all previous attempts had failed, or that any future would rather undoubtably result in failure. He didn't even care that he was the living and breathing embodiment of Murphy's Law. No, he didn't even allow himself to ponder that. All he cared about was continuing on and searching fir the cure he KNEW was out there somewhere, probably where he least expected!  
  
And speaking of expectations, Zelgadis certainly did not expect the author to suddenly switch scenes to HIS miserable existance--it WAS one of those crazy Xellos/Filia fans, after all. What would she want with HIM?  
  
So, Zelgadis didn't exactly know that he was being written about, so he simply just continued his perpetual trek to wherever, knowing that he wouldn't actually arrive anywhere until someone began to write about him.  
  
Thus, he was quite surprised to hear a voice behind him. A moment later, he managed to identify it's owner as Amelia.  
  
"Oh, Mr. Zelgadis!" she said, but her voice had been warped with sensuality and....LUST?!  
  
"A-A-A-Amelia?!" he exclaimed, freezing in his tracks, unable to turn around.  
  
A pair of slender arms wound their way around his chest from behind, and a curvatious female form pressed up against his back. A huge amount of blood rushed up to Zelgadis' head, turning his face a fierce purplish color, and he nearly passed out.  
  
Suddenly, Zelgadis found himself hurled through time and space, only to arrive a few miles from the Temple of the Fire Dragon King.  
  
The mischievous laughter behind him was enough for Zelgadis to piece together the puzzle.  
  
Whirling around to find empty air, Zelgadis shouted, "XELLOS!!! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!!!"  
  
"So, he got you, too, huh, Zel?" a voice asked from behind him.  
  
Turning around yet again, Zelgadis found himself face-to-face with Gourry and Lina.  
  
"I wonder what he's up to this time," Lina continued.  
  
"Lina, where are we?" asked a confused Gourry. Lina bopped him on the head and turned him around to look at the temple.  
  
"WHOA!" Gourry exclaimed. "What kind of thug would vandalize such a holy place?!"  
  
Lina saw red.  
  
Zelgadis sweatdropped at the charred form of Gourry.  
  
"ANYWAY," Lina went on, "it's about TIME that you noticed us standing here-- you were staring straight at us when you first appeared! Boy, you must have had something huge on your mind to not notice ME."  
  
The heat rose in Zelgadis' cheeks. "Uh."  
  
Fortunately for Zelgadis, Lina's interest was diverted.  
  
Unfortunately for Zelgadis, it was because Amelia had just appeared behind him.  
  
"Amelia!" Lina exclaimed, pushing Zelgadis to the side so she could see her better. "Hey there!"  
  
"Oh, hello, Miss Lina, Mr. Gourry," answered Amelia, looking around in confusion. "What just happened? I was just in Seyruun, and suddenly I'm standing right next to the Temple of the Fire Dragon King!"  
  
"Xellos is up to his old tricks again," Lina informed her.  
  
Amelia finally noticed the frozen chimera desperatly wishing for the earth to swallow him up. Rushing around him so she could see his face, she greeted, "Hello, Mr. Zelgadis! How are you?"  
  
"Uh," Zelgadis replied, face growing ever warmer.  
  
Amelia gasped. "Mr. Zelgadis! You look feverish! Are you sick?" She moved to feel his forehead.  
  
"No!" Zelgadis replied, perhaps a little too loudly as he backed away. "I'm not sick at all! I'm fine--really!!!"  
  
Amelia looked skeptic, but he was saved by yet another unexpected arrival.  
  
"Oh, hello everyone," Filia greeted, stepping up to them while carrying Valgaav's egg, followed by two grunting and groaning beastmen carrying far too many bags. "I never would have thought that I'd find you here of all places!"  
  
"There hasn't been another prophecy, has there?" Lina asked, suspiciously.  
  
"Huh?" replied Filia. "Oh, no, not at all! It's just that you've all been invited to the ceremony!"  
  
"Ceremony?" Lina asked, then she put two and two together. "Are they serving food there?!"  
  
"Well, Sandra assured me that there was plenty, but I'm still not sure that there will be enough for everyone," Filia answered, awkwardly.  
  
"Where?!" Lina demanded.  
  
"At the temple," Filia replied.  
  
Lina grabbed the unconscious Gourry and ran ahead, shouting, "FOOD, FOOD, FOOD!!!"  
  
Amelia latched onto Zelgadis' hand and raced after them, hollering, "Wait for us, Miss Lina!"  
  
Filia sighed and followed at a slightly slower pace, so Jillas and Gravos would be able to keep up. But if she knew what was in store for her, she would have sped off in the opposite direction.  
  
And, of course, neither Lina, Gourry, Amelia, or Zelgadis stopped to wonder just why Xellos had felt the need to drop them all off at the temple--they were much too busy running to even think about it.  
  
  
  
Author's Notes:  
  
1. Yes, I am evil, just in case you wanted to ask. ;) I was so mean to everyone in this chapter! lol Remember, it's all in good fun! n_n (I'm sorry, I just couldn't resist doing that to poor Zelgadis--it's just that that kind of thing always seems to happen to him (remember Miwan and the lake dragon fisherman dude?), and I felt the need to continue tradition! :P  
  
2. Just in case anyone was confused (mainly male fans :P), at the beginning, Zelas was forcing Xellos to go on a pad run. (It was irresistable--I simply HAD to do that!)  
  
3. I promise that something will actually happen in the next chapter. n_n 


	4. Mystery Ball/The Element of Surprise

The Lovely Loveless Marriage  
  
by  
  
Nin Tendo  
  
Chapter 3:  
  
Mystery Ball  
  
OR  
  
The Element of Surprise  
  
~ Disclaimer ~ I'm sorry, but Nin Tendo is not currently in her right mind, and was therefore unable to be reached for comment. Have a nice day! n_n  
  
================  
  
The Temple of the Fire Dragon King was overflowing with grand decorations, breathtakingly beautiful flower arrangements, and the tables were positively pregnant with what looked like a neverending supply of delicious looking food.  
  
Not even Lina Inverse was able to put a dent in the sheer quantity of foodstuffs.  
  
"Ahhh..." Lina sighed in appreciation. "I know where I'M staying for the next few weeks!"  
  
Amelia's eyebrows furrowed slightly in concern. "Miss Lina, you can't just impose yourself upon your hosts! You should be invited first, or in the very least, ask them politely!"  
  
"Yeah, yeah," Lina droned. Turning to her other side, she noticed that Gourry had fallen asleep after his meal. She pushed him out of his chair and said, "Hey, Gourry! Go ask one of those dragon's to extend their hospitality for a few more weeks!"  
  
Stunned, Gourry stuttered, "W-wuh? HUH? WHY ME? Are you crazy? No way! Whenever I have to deal with dragons, I end up being bait or beaten up or...or...wait a second! YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE ME WEAR THAT STUPID DRESS AGAIN, AREN'T YOU?!"  
  
"You know, Lina," Zelgadis interrupted from his seat beside Amelia (Strangely, he seemed a tad flustered about that fact), "I'm beginning to suspect that the degree of Gourry's idiocy runs parallel to your fist."  
  
Lina slammed her hands onto the table and stood up. "And just what the hell is THAT supposed to mean?!"  
  
Rising up to the challenge, Amelia announced, "Maybe Mr. Gourry wouldn't have such a hard time remembering things if you would stop beating him up all the time!"  
  
And as the two titans clashed against one another, a small group of young monsters giggled amongst themselves. The emotion enhancer thingy-ma-bob was working!  
  
===============================================================  
  
!!!!Ha ha, I tricked you! It's not the commercial break yet! Har! ;p!!!!  
  
The feeling was so powerful, so intense, so freaking concentrated, that it nearly drove Filia up the wall, and quite literally at that.  
  
As it was, she merely ran around in circles, screeching, "Monsters! Monsters! They're EVERYWHERE! AHHHHHHHHH!"  
  
A kind, yet stern hand fell upon her shoulder, bringing Filia to a stop.  
  
"Oh, dear," Sandra sighed. "Miss Filia, as a golden dragon myself, I understand all too well how the presense of monsters activate our natural instinct to fight or take flight, but this truce must be preserved at all costs. If you don't keep your reactions in check, someone may become offended, and relations may become damaged."  
  
Filia took a deep breath. Yes, the presense of monsters was extremely distracting, but for the sake of the world, she would hold her instincts at bay. There was absolutely no way she would allow a war to erupt over her inability to control herself!  
  
She swallowed, then asked, "But, Miss Sandra, why must they be present here at all? I thought that this was going to be a private function!"  
  
Sandra smiled and proclaimed, "This is a happy day for all those who stand upon this green earth! The sheer importance of this gathering has driven all those who hold world events dear to attend! It would have been terribly impolite to turn them away!"  
  
Stars appeared in Filia's eyes. "You mean, all these people of many different races have gathered here today to simply welcome me back into this community?"  
  
Sandra tried very hard to not decend into a huge coughing fit, but only partially succeeded. Filia looked upon the elder dragon in concern--she looked about ready to lose a lung.  
  
"Umm...are you all right, Miss Sandra?" she asked.  
  
The fit passed quickly and Sandra replied, "I-I'm fine. Just fine!" She laughed a little strangely, then cleared her throat. "We we should probably take advantage of the small time we have before the ceremony in order to prepare you for your new life, here at the temple."  
  
"Yes, that would be wise," Filia agreed.  
  
So, as Sandra persuaded a passing dragon to lead the exhausted (and all but forgotten) Jillas and Gravos up to Filia's future household, the young golden dragon let her eyes wander the place she once called home...and would soon call home once more.  
  
And her eyes fell upon Lina Inverse and Amelia Wil Telsa Seyruun trying to wrestle each other to the ground.  
  
"Oh, goodness..." she sighed, hurrying over. As she approached them, she also noticed Gourry standing beside Lina, trying to calm her down (only succeeding in getting an elbow to the face), and a bright purple Zelgadis turned away from the spectacle, praying to everything holy for freedom from his lewd, sexual fantasies. (whatta perv! ;p)  
  
As she drew ever closer, she sensed the presense of magic. Closer still, she realized that a magical artifact upon the table was influencing the group's emotions.  
  
In a moment, she utterly destroyed the talisman--an easy accomplishment for a dragon of her power--and was soon victim to angry hisses from a group of young monsters--the perpetrators, no doubt--as they scurried away.  
  
Thus, both Lina and Amelia got a momentary taste of the ailment Gourry Gabriev suffered in 'mysterious chronic attacks'--total confusion.  
  
"Where am I?" Amelia asked.  
  
"What the heck is going on?!" Lina demanded.  
  
Gourry jumped up to the occasion, rising from the floor. "We're at the Temple of the Fire Dragon King and you and Amelia just got taken over by a weird glowing thingy that made you attack each other but Filia came and saved us all! Yay, Filia!"  
  
Lina just stared at Gourry for a while, then fell into her chair, muttering, "I just swapped roles with Gourry. I am never going to live this down."  
  
As if on cue, a group of golden dragons gathered nearby suddenly erupted in delightful belly-laughter. Assuming that it was directed at her, Lina folded in on herself, trying to make herself as small as possible. (In reality, though, the dragons had just been told the TRUE reason why they were all gathered here today.)  
  
"Oh, so this is where you've gone off to," Sandra said, stepping up beside Filia. "I'm sorry to interrupt your conversation, but we really must get you ready for the ceremony!"  
  
"Oh! Everyone, this is the Supreme Elder, Sandra Ta Nefar," Filia introduced. "Sandra, this is Gourry Gabriev, Lina Inverse, Amelia Wil Telsa Seyruun, and Zelgadis Greywords."  
  
"It is a pleasure to meet you all. I wish I had more time to talk, but if we don't hurry, we'll be late! Perhaps we can get to know each other better afterwords?" Sandra proposed.  
  
Ever the diplomat, Amelia replied, "It would be a great honor!"  
  
With a bow, Sandra led Filia away at a brisk pace.  
  
"Oh, Sandra!" Filia suddenly exclaimed. "I won't have to say anything, will I? I never had the chance to prepare a speech or anything!"  
  
"Oh, don't worry about that! The only thing you must be concerned about is your appearance! Speaking of which..." Sandra cast a quick spell, and Filia's vision was suddenly obscured by a veil.  
  
"What's this?" Filia asked, looking down, noticing a white gown as pure as the newfallen snow.  
  
"Your uniform," Sandra replied, looking decidedly uncomfortable.  
  
As Sandra led her down the aisle, Filia noticed two other young women--one of which was a monster--being led by two others on either side of her. A dragon began to play a very familiar tune on an organ, but try as she might, Filia couldn't place it.  
  
"Th-that song..." she stuttered, an acute sense of foreboding invading her senses.  
  
"The...opening song for the celebration..." Sandra replied, carrying a strained smile.  
  
They neared the altar, and Filia felt the presense of two more monsters steadily growing closer. Looking up, Filia noted the vaque forms of three men in tuxedos.  
  
"Those....those men...." Filia whispered.  
  
"Your..." A pause. "Your hosts for the evening," Sandra clarified, voice wavering.  
  
And then they were standing at the altar and a priest was standing on the other side and three dragon hatchlings presented two rings each and the aisle was littered with flowers and rice and her veil was being lifted.  
  
"This ceremony...!" Filia gasped.  
  
[flashback]  
  
"I would do absolutely anything..."  
  
[/flashback]  
  
Anything...anything...anything...  
  
A pair of hard, scornful, amethyst eyes looked down upon her.  
  
"We are gathered here today," began the dragon priest.  
  
"...Our wedding," Xellos supplied, with a growl.  
  
Filia's eyes crossed and she fell forward in a dead faint.  
  
===============================================================  
  
!!!COMMERCIAL BREAK!!!  
  
(Scene: the void in which the Claire Bible is stored. Milgasia, in his human form, is standing beside the blue, glowing sphere.)  
  
Milgasia: After the unfortunate demise of the Water Dragon King's remnants-- otherwise known as 'Auntie Aqua'--something very strange happened to the Claire Bible. Something very strange indeed.  
  
(He steps closer to the orb.)  
  
Milgasia: By the change in magical aura, we have found that the Claire Bible will no longer answer the inquiries of curious travelers. Instead, whenever touched, it will bestow upon the being either a blessing...or a curse. We're unsure. It's effect will remain a mystery until someone's curiousity gets the better of them.  
  
(A shrouded figure appears behind Milgasia.)  
  
Shrouded Figure: (thinks) Wait around until some poor sap decides to try his luck? That's no fun!  
  
(Milgasia's dragon sense tingles and he whirls around)  
  
Milgasia: It's....it's YOU.  
  
(The shrouded figure is revealed as...well, Xellos of course! Isn't is always? n_n)  
  
Xellos: Why, hello again, Milgasia! I didn't really expect to see you again so soon--but here we are!  
  
Milgasia: What are you up to this time?  
  
Xellos: As much as I enjoy keeping secrets, there are just some out there that I simply must reveal!  
  
(Xellos suddenly and 'unexpectedly' pushes Milgasia into the Claire Bible. The result is so shocking that both of Xellos' eyes flew open. Then he giggled and turned to leave)  
  
Xellos: Well, that was certainly surprising!  
  
(He pauses as a thought occurs to him.)  
  
Xellos: (chuckles) I wonder how a certain chimera would react when I tell him that the Claire Bible has the ability to change a man's physical form...(cackles evily)  
  
(Xellos teleports away. Milgasia sits up, groaning.)  
  
Milgasia: Ow. Honestly, great power must come hand-in-hand with great childishness. I wonder what he meant by...  
  
(Milly looks down.)  
  
Milgasia: Oh, bloody hell.  
  
(A lovely young woman named Milgasia stood up and peered at the Claire Bible.)  
  
Milgasia: Well, I always wondered why the remaining thoughts of the Water Dragon King took the form of a woman...  
  
(Scene fades. Many mini female Milly's prance about.)  
  
Mini Female Millys: Head over to your closest magic store today to buy your own replica of the Claire Bible! Just what you need for April Fool's Day, or simply to show someone the folly of enjoying surprises!  
  
Lord of Nightmares: Alltransformationsarepermanent.  
  
===============================================================  
  
Xellos was in an exceptionally bad mood.  
  
Not only did he learn of his impending marital status the day before the fact, not only did his mistress order him to gather Lina's merry little troupe of travelers to witness the event (moral support, yeah right), not only was he forced to wear a tuxedo that remained uncomfortable no matter HOW he manipulated his form, but this...THIS...  
  
He was married to the one person in the world who had the ability to make his non-existant skin crawl with anger, the girl that could steal away his professionality with a single snide remark, the only dragon in the ENTIRE world that DARED to call him a piece of FILTH. ~FILTH~!!!  
  
Oh, well. At least he'd managed to drag Milgasia down with him.  
  
"I hate you, Xellos," Milgasia muttered from his position beside the purple- haired priest. For the moment, his wife, Deep Sea Dolphin, was holding a one-sided conversation with the third dragon victim of the evening, a young, beautiful black dragon who looked as if she was attending a funeral instead of a wedding. "This is all your fault."  
  
"Oh, not entirely, I assure you," Xellos replied, smiling infectiously. "In fact, I do believe that it was YOUR wife who suggested the weddings in the first place. All I did was inform her of the handsome young dragon who protected the Claire Bible for over a thousand years. She was very impressed!"  
  
Milgasia shivered in fury for a few moments, then turned to Xellos again. "With all this talk about my life-mate, I wonder how your wife is doing, Beastmaster. I saw her faint during the ceremony."  
  
Xellos twitched at the reminder of being married to Filia Ul Copt. A twich that Milgasia noted and recorded on his list of things that mentioning around Xellos could result in his death.  
  
"Well, how should I know?" Xellos huffed. "She slept through the entire ceremony then was whisked away by that sorry excuse of a Supreme Elder!"  
  
Milgasia's eyes narrowed. "I must protest, Beastmaster. It is true that she somewhat lacks in tact, but her heart and intentions are as pure as snow."  
  
Xellos chuckled. "Of course, of course! No one who has that much difficulty telling a lie could ever pose a threat to the monster race!"  
  
Milgasia breathed a heavy sigh. "I think the true meaning of this...agreement has flown straight over your head, Beastmaster."  
  
"Oh, I recognize its meaning," Xellos replied. "I just don't think it will last very long, that's all."  
  
Any response Milgasia might have had was drowned out by a bubbly bouncing sickeningly sweet dark lord.  
  
"MILLIE! MILLIE!" Deep Sea squealed. "Miss Sandra says that our room is ready! Let's go see! Let's go see!"  
  
Without waiting for a reply, she had latched onto his arm and pulled him away with a swiftness that reminded Xellos of Lina tracking the scent of food.  
  
"Excuse me, Mr. Xellos?" a voice inquired from behind.  
  
Calmly turning around, Xellos found the newly pronounced Supreme Elder standing before him. He briefly wondered if she'd heard the previous conversation, then dismissed the thought as unimportant.  
  
"Yes, what is it?" he answered.  
  
"I was wondering if you would like to look at your room now--your wife should be waking up very soon."  
  
"Why not?" Xellos replied, rolling his eyes behind his eyelids as he followed Sandra toward his living quarters. At the very least, he would get quite a meal when Filia realized what had happened.  
  
  
  
Author's Notes:  
  
Well, I don't really have much to say, except for an apology if this chapter didn't seem as funny as the others. I had this all written out, and most of the humor comes in when I type it up onto the computer, but, well, let's just say that I've had a hard time being funny ever since the 12th, when I was involved in an armed robbery. 


End file.
